Thursday, January 10, 2013

I really really really wanna Ziga-zig Ah.

I apologize to anyone who finds themselves in the lowest levels of productivity, far below the strata of entertainment, underneath the layers of pretentious blather, in this, the place where I am going to tell you about things I have been thinking about. Surely, if someone loved you, they could prevent you from reading any further and tainting your mind. But if those who love you are too far away, and if your brain is driven by a self-destructive need to read more, then I hope you can make yourself comfortable.
   Michelle peers into the photoshop box like she is doing surgery. Her passion focuses and burns through her goals. The pictures fly into the internet and become immortal for a week, before they are drowned under the other pictures. The friends all like each other over and over with a cacophony like a silent high school cafeteria. There is so much meaning in a thing when lots of people say they have meaning. But those pictures have real meaning too. Max knows how to smile as if his whole soul were connected to the smiling muscles. Liam has a way of making me wish I had played with him an extra hour each day, even on the days when I play with him several hours. They both change so quickly, like the clocks with hands that spin fast in cheesy movies to portray time travel. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have those pictures.
   Michelle really has fun with the photography- I mean, she finds a lot of happiness there.
   Occasionally, Liam cries and throws himself down with frustration when things don't go the way he wants, and there we stand, repeating like a mantra, "Liam, what do you want? What do you want, Liam? Say, 'I want...'" It becomes a very difficult question to answer. Someday, he might suddenly stop pouting, turn to me, and say, "Gosh Dad. You ask that like it is such an easy question. Yes maybe I want a drink, but perhaps I want a juice, and I don't know how to ask for the particular kind of juice I want. Or what if I have a combination of unfulfilled needs, some of which may not be possible. Can I just go back to crying?"
   I like to try to dissect my wants. Do I really want to go to Bora Bora someday? Or do I just want the level of relaxation that I imagine when I look at pics of Bora Bora? What if I went there, and the relaxation wasn't there? Would I have missed my Bora Bora?
   When I was first looking at dentistry, I asked a dentist about the suicide rate, and he told me that some dentists only want to be great dentists. They get out of touch with other wants. It is fun to get really good at dental procedures and things, but when dentistry becomes your whole life, the meaning seeps out of it.
   I have some big debts. If I weren't careful, all I would want is to get out of debt. I am often tempted to  stop all spending, insist on beans and rice every meal, and try to get out of debt faster, even if it feels like holding my breath for 3 years. But I want more from life than just to work, get out of debt, buy a tv or two and then die.
   Again, as the philosopher asked, "What do you want, do you really really want?" We have to watch out for the natural- tendency- wants and make sure they aren't ladders on the wrong walls.
   Man, how do you end one of these things?

 

 

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